Intend to Expose

I started this blog as a place for me to share what I’ve been through, how I have managed, and my aspirations for the future. I needed a place to let the darkness out, to expose the haunting secrets of my childhood to the world with some hope that I will learn to find some acceptance about what I’ve endured. I intend to rip the monsters from the shadows and place them beneath the spotlight because I want something better for the next child who finds themself in a”stable” family like mine.

At the age of 29 I found my self in a cloud of desperation. Living a lie, hiding secrets, confused and in torrential amounts of emotional pain. Strangely I felt like I was relating to a woman I barely knew, my mother. She had passed away when I was 9 years old, she was 36 when she took her own life. I suppose it’s natural that my brain started to connect the dots.. I was approaching 30, I was isolated and my life was empty, full of pain, and I had noticed patterns recurring in my attempted relationships. The one thing I was certain of was that I had a lot of life to live regardless of the deeply depressed state I was in. Suicide was not an option for me, though I had a new compassion for those who had made that choice. The pain they felt must have been immeasurable for them. Skeptical of doctors, wary of counselors, lost about what I needed I began listening to self help podcast while driving for work. One morning I heard a man, a qualified psychotherapist from another country speak about inner child work, he talked about how parts of ourselves can get trapped in the past and the need to learn how to reparent ourselves. Something about this concept resonated with me. Part of it was knowing that I had crap for parents growing up and that I liked the idea of being self sufficient and having the ability to heal myself. (This makes me chuckle a bit today. I’ve since learned about counter dependancy and how it shows up in my thinking.) I found that psychotherapist contact information from the podcast and sent an email. We agreed to work together and that was the day I hit restart on my life. A year later and I can see the positive changes in myself though I often don’t feel them yet. I’m far from feeling whole, secure, mature, or recovered but I now have a clear understanding of why I am the way I am, and what I can do about it. I’ve discovered answers to the most important questions I’ve asked throughout my life, and have taken action to break the toxic cycle my family passed on to me.

Maybe as I post to this blog attempting to process through my trauma, you might consider I wasn’t the only child born into a “typical family” with issues that were “sorted out” internally but secretly, and hiding enormous amounts of abuse, neglect, and trauma behind closed doors. Perhaps you could allow yourself to question things just a little further then they did for me, like when a child struggles with day to day activities, has a difficult time in school, or building friendships. And If you find a child who you can’t help free from their abusers please hold their hand through it and be there when they find their own way out. Children in situations like I was need consistency in people, to show them they are wanted, accepted, and loved.

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